Was I Supposed to be a Mother?
Do you ever struggle with mom guilt? On a scale of 1-10, where are you on the competent mom department? Are you ever a member of the, “I suck as a mother club”? There have been many times where I’ve felt like a failure as a mom. More times than I’d like to count. One of my limiting beliefs has been that I’m not a “good mom.”
Let’s get more specific, that I wasn’t meant to be a mom.
When I was younger, I wanted to have children. Unfortunately, pregnancy and childbirth were not in the cards for me. However, I still wanted to be a mother. For years, I dealt with infertility and then agonizing over becoming an adoptive mother. In the end, I became a foster parent to become a parent.
Unfortunately, the process of becoming a foster parent was more complicated than having sex and hoping to get pregnant. After hours of filling out applications, going through background checks, receiving the equivalent of an interrogation, and hours of training, my husband and I were approved to be foster parents. Or, so we thought.
Months went by with no calls. Why didn’t I call and check on what was going on? Because I was afraid that I would make them made and they would take our license, and I would never become a mother. Why would I think that? Because deep down, I wondered if my failure to get pregnant meant that I wasn’t supposed to be a mother. That everything I did to fight for something I wasn’t supposed to get was going against God’s plan. If I pushed, the pushback would be epic. However, an even worse thing might happen, I might make them mad and never get to be a mother.
In the end, the reason we didn’t get any calls was that of an oversight in computer updating and not some malicious feelings towards me by the caseworkers. Even after we got the call and ended up foster parenting our “now” adopted sons, I had my doubts. I was working so hard to be a good mother, but my husband suffered several health complications over that time. Was that my punishment for doing something I wasn’t supposed to do? Or, a sign that we are willing to endure anything to be dedicated people/parents, who would fight through anything to provide and protect for our children?
I’m going to take the answer as the latter because I would do anything to provide a positive and rewarding life for my children.
I’m supposed to be a mother. My inability to have children and the long wait for our first placement was because “our” children were waiting for us. God bless the broken road that led us straight to them.
Have you ever felt like you were pushing for something that you weren’t supposed to get? How did you handle the adversity? Did you make the right decisions? If you had to do it all over again, would you do something different?
Check out my free mini course on Eliminating Mommy Guilt!
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Photo by Hannah Olinger on Unsplash