Adoption Day is Nearing
After 4 years, we finally received the news that our foster daughter was free for adoption.
I’m happy, relieved, and excited!
But, as always, I’m on guard for what could go wrong.
Will I be able to let my guard down enough to enjoy it? Or is my cautiousness so engrained now that I won’t be able to feel a true reprieve from worry or even cry in relief?
When we adopted her brothers last fall, I told myself that the sense of relief wasn’t there because our family wasn’t complete. I was happy, but not ecstatic.
Of course, in my heart of hearts, I had always felt that the boys would be ours since the day I picked them up in McDonald’s parking lot 5 years ago. But shouldn’t I have felt more relief? Or after over 4 years of raising them, was it just a formality that didn’t seem necessary.
Maybe I will feel that overwhelming relief on adoption day.
Or maybe I will never let my guard down because the biological parents are still around. Maybe I will always fear someone will sneak up and snatch them away.
Perhaps it is just a product of my personality. I have to pretend I have everything under control so I never fully experience a true sense of sadness of the thought of losing them. So I can’t experience the full relief of it being over either?
I think a large part of it is that I really have felt in my heart that as soon as we got the call on the boys that they were ours forever. And when their sister was born, I never felt like she would leave either.
It isn’t that I don’t feel pure joy when spending time with my kids. When they are having fun together, I love to watch their eyes light up. Their snuggles are pure contentment and warm me to my soul.
Maybe it is the sterile atmosphere of the courtroom and all those people who get to make decision that could ruin my life.
We should have the adoption in our living room.
I’m so complicated!! 🙂
However, I want to feel that overwhelming sense of relief and pure joy of the day. I’ve got under 30 days to figure out how to feel all those emotions, because I don’t want to be so “stuck” in my adult brain not to be excited!